if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
I just got a drinking merit badge from a slutty girl scout
i think the cat found all the blow we lost...
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
Just found out my brother beats off to Lauren Conrad. the Hills will never be the same.
Isn't that the only thing she's good at? Complaining and blow jobs?
So, Southern Comfort will donate 25 cents for every bottle sold towards Gulf Coast Relief... Can we save the wetlands through my alcoholism?
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
He stripped down to boxers and then started flinging jello shots with a spoon into people's mouths like a catapult.
Ive waited a long time for a girl with prescriptions like yours.
Ive been thinking this might sound random.. But we need a piano in our house next year specifically for railing chicks on it.
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
Randomize
