I either just heard my neighbors having sex or she really agreed with whatever he was talking about.
I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
I hate to tell you this, but your sister reeks of whore.
you threw up in someones recycling bin and left a note apologizing. how drunk do you think you were?!
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Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
She just asked me if I was going to kiss her cat goodby too... This is why we don't stay till last call.
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
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Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
I just want somewhere where I can sit down, without changing my clothes, that will serve me breakfast food and booze. Is that too much to ask?
He was super adorable, like I wanna pinch his cheeks while I fuck him...
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
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