Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
You had me at "you have a nicer rack then her"
Ughhh I can't remember the last time "time fell back or springed forward" and I wasn't at the bar to argue about it :(
I wasn't a groupie because I didn't carry his guitar home
Aw don't be embarrassed. It was all good fun! We've all been there. You can't come to vegas and NOT get a little alcohol poisoning. That's like going to church and not praying.
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
he just cleaned his wound with pinnacle whipped
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
Your cousin just directly asked you for nudes
Somewhere on my work laptop I have a map visualizing all the area codes that Ludacris has ho's
I hope that wasn't done on billed time
I can guarantee that it was
Saw a thong on the yellow lines of the street when I left this morning, are they yours by any chance?
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
Randomize
