The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
You'll be proud of me
Who did you not have sex with
Damn it...you know me too well
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
I wish I was there to have sex with you on the plane to lessen your anxiety.
That's the nicest thing anyone has over said to you.
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
I think as a general rule I have to have blacked out somewhere at least twice to be comfortable.
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
We had sex in the church bell tower and somehow it still feels right.
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
Randomize
