I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
What's the point of having 3 fuck buddies when their periods all seem to sync up
It smells like ranch
Must be all the white people
For future reference, the words 'big' and 'problem' should be used sparingly with a person whom you have recently had copious amounts of unprotected sex
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
Girl this is ridiculous I told my self that I would stop having sex in stairwells yet it keeps happening
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
you made the house rule that every time you'd say "yay" everyone had to drink.
that explains so much
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
Randomize
