Three of the best words ever! Cocaine. Research. Study.
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
And your cousins porn shouldn't have been the first straight porn you watched. And for that I am sorry
You gotta hand it to him. 6 hours in a new town and he's already fuck someone, had his ass kick by her bf, and rounded up a posse of people to kick this guys ass.
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
At this point in job hunting, I'm willing to become a leather daddy if it means some sort of income.
How many times do I have to tell you I'm not bisexual.
.....unless there is alcohol involved
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Randomize
