Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
stripped for him at 3am on my childhood playground and used the swing set as a pole.
You have all been randomly chosen to participate in a new game called: how high was I? If you have any information about this or about where my clothing items went give me a shout. Thanks an good luck.
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
I was giving this guy head and he stopped me to look me in the eyes and say "you have a gift"
how many ponies have to be on my pajama pants to convince him im gay?
i think we need a new approach.
Note to self: don't practice nerdy white girl dance choreography in the company bathrooms no matter how nice the huge mirrors and lighting are.
Yea we just broke up
so do we start sexting now or later?
Best feeling in the world is getting a random boob pic from a drunk chick at 3 am.
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize
