how do you have sooo much energy?
billy mays threw in a lil somethin extra when i ordered some oxiclean last week
He's the biggest piece of shit to ever exist. He's not even wearing shoes.
look, i may have sacrified a 20% assignment for a sprite. this is what hangovers do to me.
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
Stop trying to get a gf and raw dog some forest beasts like sasquatch
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
He literally cocked blocked all the dudes that tried to talk to the girls he was with, and they all loved him.
Same guy who tossed the brunet over his shoulder as they left screaming "Bring me my lucky shovel!"
Literally sitting on my bed in the dark trying not to throw up
Also, you should've bet on Team Liver.
We won.
USA USA USA
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
2014 decided to stick it to me one last time. Right up the ass.
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
Randomize
