Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
No offense but you kinda look like a Jack Johnson fan in that pic
i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
i just got a clause named after me in the 'alcohol and drug use' section of the handbook. this is certainly a warning sign.
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
nana can keg stand better than me. should i be proud?
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
I'm not trying to take your husband away from you, but can we have another 3way soon? I'm just desperate for good dick.
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
Randomize
