i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
I just googled the nutrition facts for a mcgriddle and yet I still want to go to mcdonalds
the people next to us in line are buying a 12 pack and a snuggie
He is going to sleep with me. That's all there is to it. I'm 4 for 4 right now. I'm not making it 4 for 5.
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
u girls! girls! girls! have fun please don't hook up w/ a roadie! Love, mom
The last thing I remembered was laying in the bathtub fully clothed with the shower running while he was picking grilled cheese out of my hair. I couldn't figure out if i was more upset about being soaking wet or the fact that my grilled cheese was in my hair instead of my mouth.
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
how do I say, without sounding slutty... That I can take a dick?
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
I come home to my brother mixing skittles and vodka. We're all proud of him.
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
Randomize
