my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
i think i am going to devote my summer to making my cats internet celebrities
youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
She barfed in the corner of the baby pool. Then she yelled "it's okay" repeatedly while trying to scoop it out.
I needed to do something spontaneous, and since no one had coke this was the next best thing.
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
SO EXCITED ABOUT STRING CHEESE RIGHT NOW
Apparently 24 hr fitness frowns upon the ingestion of psychedelics on its premises, don't see that in the sign up contract.
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
I love everything about him! His penis, his hair, his tattoos, his penis, his cat, his penis.
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