Denmark girl wants me to go out but i remembered shes a raging whore with extremely questionable morals. Not feelin that tonight
is it mean to send ur x his condoms back because they are too small for ur new boyfriend?
Now would be a great time to stop wondering " Who let the dogs out" and go to sleep
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
I want a nosebag of coke after my exam. Like what horses have. Coked up horses. No excuses. I love you.
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
Bullets don't scare me. I wish I was a coyote
I told her my cab was outside the club and that I had to go, but I think we both knew this wasn't going anywhere past the sloppy bathroom handjob.
You said you liked how I put the cream cheese on.
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
is it fun? or sober?
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
Randomize
