I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
I remember having a drink with vegetables in it. They said it was a mojito, but it tasted like cabbage.
haha i love mojitos
ya and i hate cabbage
She helped me organize my comics and then blew me. This is the one.
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
Look at the bright side...I have an 11 inch penis
can we meet up so i can piece together the end of my night? for instance, did i jump or fall into a plant?
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
I'm taking stock of m life as of right now and my Friday night plans are to drink a 30 rack by myself so I can have a tv stand when it is finished
You need to simmer down or I'm going to buy you a labia leash.
You kept trying to throw the grocery cart off the balcony.
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
Some small part of me hopes I'm on the probationary list because of seeing the Dean at that fetish party.
I'm only friends with her because I can't stop watching the train wreck.
I or someone else dumped a lot of glitter into my boobs last night.
Randomize
