You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
She called me Jeff during sex, I just kept going like nothing happened. To think, if I was a woman that would be a problem.
Would you like me to write a persuasive essay on how you should let me suck your dick?
She's dressed as a slutty Dalmatian. I doubt she has morals.
It was almost awkward to look at you naked while listening to Circle of Life. Just saying.
Honestly... isn't she a psych major? how does she go through life NOT realizing that everything she does is a cry for help?
It was pathetic and I was covered in butter
At some point you realize they're vacuuming and you still have to sober up. Please find me a boyfriend thanks .
I'm currently giving my drug dealer relationship advice. He's a nice guy and all but I'm really just hoping I get some free weed
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
I re-seduced my fuck buddy...must be the luck of the Irish!
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
I AM DRUNK AND AGGRESSIVE ABOUT CURLING!
The US is in the finals, aren't they.
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
Randomize
