life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
im in Michaels with rachel and i see a little boy jumping around and waving a rainbow pompom. Welcome to our team little one
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
It's cute how he thinks we're going to have sex again
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
How much do you charge for your Funyun and beer delivery service?
I feel you. We can get adjoining rooms. It'll be like Disney world, but with drugs and ivs instead of roller coasters and Mickey Mouse.
Which is way cooler
We were having sex and my nose just started pouring blood. He reached down to the floor, grabbed a sock and held it to my nose. He just kept pounding away like nothing was happening.
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
To show us how offended you were you took off the right foot of your pterodactyl suit and proceeded to attack us with it.
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
I woke up and saw that my last google search was "Bacon neck".
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
it was weird i started the party in just my underwear and woke up in my clothes
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