This morning when you woke up you looked like one of the Wii Bowling people. I think it was the eyebrows combined with the sambuca
This is so fucking sad. Netherlands isn't even a real country.
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
to whom it may concern. if i am dead in colleens bed it is not her fault i slept in my scarf. my dads middle name is ronald.
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
Lol I'm not having group sex with you, that apron is fuckin awesome tho
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
True life: I got so drunk that i took a shower with my clothes on at 4 am...
You have such a talent for this
Friendship, or finding weed?
Yes
Tbh I’m not a vibrator enthusiast
But I am godly
Randomize