Megan Fox is the only woman I would let pee on me.
I'm similar. She's the only woman I'd ask to pee on me.
Ok yeah you're right. I'd ASK Megan Fox to pee on me. I'd ALLOW Erin Andrews to pee on me if she asked.
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
They're donating plasma together for extra money. Couple of the fucking century.
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
I'm sorry you were dumb enough to get played by a male cheerleader
how does 'resolution to respect myself more' follow 'he fucks me really hard'?
Sweet. Well pat yourself on the back this penis just burst back into the the game and the vaginas of millions
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
I know I come to this conclusion on a fairly regular basis but I really do need a babysitter
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
He sends me pictures of his dogs and I send him my tits, it's a win win situation
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
Ahhh, beer. My second favorite breakfast drink.
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