Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
I just realized that i have never seen about 30 percent of my friends sober before
I wish i could 80s montage me losing weight
we made out at a charity event. really i was helping the fight against aids...
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
He made me eat donuts off his dick. donuts, jen. DONUTS.
Wake up we need to beat the walk of shame rush hour
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
Who showers for four hours?!
It was like a tropical nap.
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
What could go wrong? i could have a mental breakdown with a bottle of champagne hand cuffed to a frat bro
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
Randomize
