SECOND walk of shame from the westside Hilton, SECOND foreign family w kids staring at me in my dress, glitter purse, spiky heels and booze breath. I said I was going to church. More confusion.
if i could have babies with my dog i totally would cause i know thay would be fucking hott babies.
Escorted a stripper to her car last night,and all I got was a "Thanks" and "Go Steelers."
seriously considering responding to a craigslist ad for a lesbian cunninlingus instructor...at this point i'm so desperate for a job that i'm willing to switch teams.
Thanks for coming to the hospital with me, In return, I will buy you ecstasy.
I feel like I would find myself in so much trouble if I hadn't married my DD.
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
the last thing i heard from her was "i wanna get fucked by a stranger" and i haven't seen her since
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
I woke up with my my shoes on and pants half way off and missing 60 dollars. Please please please tell me you saw me last night.
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
We just had a contest for who has less of a gag reflex...I am sad to admit that my mother won.
you know you're sexually deprived when you're holding a warm taquito in your hand and your vagina starts to tingle
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