It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
He just said "wow, thats some rly nice hair! And those teeth..thosee are some cool teeth"
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
She soaked the fruit in vodka for ten minutes and then mixed it with normal fruit and sherbert icecream. It was called "lottery fruit".
Drunk. I slept-stripped.
By myself.
1.) where are you? 2.) you making meatballs? 3.) Meatballs for sex?
Tonight just feels like one of those I'm going to lose a shoe nights.
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
Yay for living on the edge. I'm trying this new thing where I stop mom-arming people and promote bad decisions. It's working quite well.
I was wondering how I got the burn marks on my boobs and then I remembered....
The baked potato bra?
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
I want a dick in my left hand and a Crunch Wrap Supreme in my right hand.
yea so the plan to relive our college glory days was great and all but ending up in the er with alcohol poisoning was crossing the line
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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