forget your mom, you can see her anytime. A one night stand only happens ONE night.
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
I think they make you graduate because you get too old to go hard and become a risk. homecoming weekend wins again. fuck.
Dad had me doing shots of chocolate mint Everclear last night. I've never felt closer to him.
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
Batchelotette party success. I woke up on the floor in nothing but a thong, a garter and a shirt that says Just Do Me.
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
He sat next to me, put his arm around me, yelled at his girlfriend that he was breaking up with her, and told me I'm his little pet for the night.
I am going to go back to drinking and listneing to Hanson now. Maybe crying. Or perhaps Full House reruns
The first thing I did in 2015 was suck a dick.....so.....
I think it was a low point but honestly at this point I've had so many that my life is like a valley
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
I like shiny stuff tho if that’s an emotion
Randomize
