So she started giving everyone lap dances, and i was like "i think i like this chick"
there's paper in my vomit.
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
i've lived in the woods for so long, as long as its post-op, i don't care.
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
He was having trouble staying hard then just stopped mid-sex and said "it's overheating" while pointing to his dick.
he has a puerto rico area code and says his name is johnny cash. extremely suspect
Totally just met the chick getting nailed in our lobby last night. Should I bring it up?
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
It's a goat... but where the fuck did it come from?
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
he woke up this morning, drunk as fuck, butt ass naked, and he had left grandmas gun on the counter and doesn't know why.
So if your sore it's because you tried to tackle a tree last night. When I told you at the party, you said "What do you expect, I'm an athlete!"
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