i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
did i mention he attempted to milk her in backseat?
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
You sternly pointed at him and declared that you would ride his cock until the early dawn.
Then, you ate a turkey sub, went into his room
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
Her son walked in on us and asked if he could "wrestle too."
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
So after we found out he wasnt throwing up blood in was just hawaiian punch and we all failed breathalyzers the cop drove us around like a taxi and brought us back to the apartment
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
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