Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
i wiped a booger on my final. end of semester present.
You know i think she's just using me for sex
I hate you.
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
what is it with giant penises always finding me
Let's cut to the chase. What days are we sleeping together this week?
I don't like him near enough to give up day drinking AND my prostitute costume
Have you SEEN his girlfriend?? Or talked to her? Christ almighty I'd drink every day just to die let alone black out
Well I'm about 60% wine, 30% pure rage and 10% tears at the moment and I'm disappointed in how little alcohol is in me
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
I hate who I am becoming
I think of it as growth but I also hate who I am becoming as well
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
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