I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
Found her laying down in a booth in iHop. She's a keeper.
he nicknamed his dick "too big to fail"
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
no you went to jail because you don't know how to whisper when offering a cop a blow job. I'm sure him having a chick partner didn't help.
I just saw a douchebag with frosted tips & a LaCoste polo with popped collar driving a Call of Duty edition Jeep. It was a cavalcade of stereotypes.
I found your doppelganger. same hair, eyes, personality, catch phrases, and penis. it was mind-boggeling.
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
the shoes thing blows my mind idk how the fuck i did that and im also missing 4 of my birth control pills like did i drunkenly decide to overload my body with estrogen
I don't wanna shit myself again in 2015
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
ps. i have two very important words to sum up my night
which are?
library sex.
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
Randomize
