No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
it's sunday funday. and also, who can outslut the other day.
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
Let's just say trying to drink my weight in apple pie shots looked better in theory.
At orientation, some girl is asking, loudly, where she can get weed. Everyone looks discussed but are paying very close attention to people's answers.
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
He just pulled out my weave during sex....needless to say I'm embarrassed and in need of another shot pronto
Also, you need to stop getting hammered and taking showers with people.
I offered the opportunity to grope my boobs for pints. Two girls took me up.
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
idk what the male equivelent of vajazzling is but it better be worth the time
She’s either doing coke or thinks my cock has the Covid vaccine. Either way I haven’t worn clothes in 3 days
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