For once I'm glad there wasn't morning sex. Yes, that sore from the night before.
Is he smart?
Why would i know that. That would deal with the top half of his body. I only deal with the bottom half.
I dont think she was a real nurse but she was good at it. wish I rememebrd her name
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
well i mean she can't stop a weed based friendship...its like a trying to stop a bomb or a really fast train...
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
It was sweet, he carried me out of my bathroom after I passed out, built me a pillow fort so I wouldn't roll out of bed, set a glass of water on the table, and brought me a mixing bowl to puke in. Totally a sign we're more than just fuckbuddies.
I felt the need to set off fireworks in the living room while they were having sex upstairs. Yes, they quieted down.
Randomize
