I fink we're distracting them from bumping the proverbial uglies
Pick my eyebrow is burning. I'm sitting in the back of dolows vat and listening to jolly music and wilfgang is signing and looking food. Cute kid. Home is where I go now.
what. the. fuck.
I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
we're at Rob's house and just invented the best drinking game ever....we are on Chatroulette and everytime we see a dick we all have to drink.
He pocket texted me while I was blowing him in the car...What are the odds?
Considering how often you blow him,high.
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
I'm a hopeless romantic that likes rough sex. Judge me
Dude. Cvs sells sex toys. And my discount works on them. Game on.
It's rum buckets o'clock
I don't know man. I fell outside Pizza Hut and an employee had to perform first aid. But I think I got free pizza. So it was worth it.
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
You guys do the cocaine and I'll do the dishes.
i think i left you like a 5 minute message about the mcchicken burger i was eating. I think I called wanting sex but the mcchicken burger was a lot more seducing.
Randomize
