I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
Is showing up wearing the condom a bit presumptus
you should just get pregnant. that way you don't need to decide on a career.
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
There were so few words spoken that I'm not sure if it was make-up or break-up sex.
Witnessing a crazy lady on the bus screaming about how romney is one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse.
Pretending to be completely fried so the odd girl next to me doesnt suspect im simply staring at her.
Don't get me wrong, the sex itself is amazing, but I don't think I will EVER get used to her habit of singing lines Jesus christ super star when she is about to cum.
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
he just kept biting everyone and singing hilary duff songs. i can't even bring him to a gas station.
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
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