My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
Reindeer Drinking Games will soon commence. Get over here while we're still sober enough to answer the door.
Do you think the party boat will still go out if there is a hurricane?
Oh and jess is gonna pee in our guest bedroom to mark her territory.
We are having a competition to see who can masterbate in the wierdest place, right now hes winning since he masterbated on his Jr. High school bus.
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
his version of basketball was throwing hot sauce packets down my cleavage at taco bell at 2 am with his buddy.the cashier kept score
I heard that clinking noise from behind me and I already knew you were whipping out a Smirnoff in class. Again.
Last thing I remember is ranting about hating pants. Woke up this morning pants less. Couldn't find them, decided to leave. Driving without pants is surprisingly liberating.
I was like wtf you can warn a girl like hey I have a huge dick and I fuck for hours
Someone google feeding your vagina Advil and Neosporin
Also, don't forget your plan to die young at a shrooms-fueled orgy.
Think I have the only job where I can be naked in a room with my manager at work. Apart from hookers
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
Randomize
