I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
Everyone here knows me as 'that chick who will most likely steal your girlfriend'. My 99% success rate tells me this name is acceptable.
so we were doing it and I was like umm hi im losing my virginity can you take off your beanie
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
It was the highest I'd ever been. I felt like a blob. A blob eating a burrito.
Was I drunk or did Alex not show up with 100 rainbow Jell-O shots?
Hey, I'm 22. I'm allowed to have a sex life and you're going to hear about it.
I spend so much of my life shaving my body hair off and I want nothing more than his beard in all my hairless places.
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
So many questions so I’ll prioritize. How did I survive last night?
Randomize
