I think id rather eat ped egg shavings.
I think the recipie for awesome sauce is butter and semen
Its Shannon Doherty lazy not Forest Whittaker lazy
I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
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Have you come up with a team name for the beer pong tournament on Saturday?
We can be the stepdads. If anyone asks why say because we beat you and you hate us.
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
I just watched a blind kid buy from one of the vending machines on campus...guess there's nothing like a good surprise?
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
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all I heard when I woke up this morning was "BONG HITS FOR BREAKFAST" being yelled repeatedly.
She was really fucking loud. My neighbors definetly knew my name...
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
Just purchased ketchup, body wash, and lube. Hope you're ready for the post-memorial-day-cookout-shower-anal.
She went outside in nothing but her panties and came back inside 15 minutes later wearing a different pair of panties.
Looking back on this weekend, I'm most grateful I never brought up with word "toe-fucking" at the bachelorette party.