you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
yeah come on over we're just pre gaming for the grocery store
i really should have bought real food rather than condoms, olives, coleslaw and beer...
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
She's dipping the chocolate graham crackers in marshmallow vodka for a 'campfire taste'
I have just gotten home. I saw a lot of penis tonight. On a trampoline. Shit got weird.
Right now he's sitting in the chair pointing to me to go away. He's trying to have quiet time with his penis.
There's scrapes on the inside of both my thighs.. Because we wanted to get drunk and climb trees naked.
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
Randomize
