At least you didnt end up topless in a Tina Turner wig singing cabaret tunes
they started playing Don't Stop Believin' and you had a melt down because it wasnt the Glee version
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
I have no idea. Next thing I know we're all down on one knee saying the pledge of allegiance and then singing I'm Proud to be an American. Then Trevor ate pizza off the sidewalk.
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
I am thinkingif I am doing snow Angels in your living room, I probably had too much to drink
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
Well it's been 24 hours and I still feel like a mammoth sat on my balls
I went to the bathroom, came back, and my friend was sleeping leaning up against the stripper pole.
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
She doesn't believe I only want to use you for sex. She has a much higher opinion of me than either of us do.
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
Is it bad that we left the kid passed out on the bus? I think his name was texas. I was too drunk to be questioning this.
Randomize
