I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
i don't think my family understands the severity of a twenty first birthday.
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
After he convinced me that my friend had died and come back to life, I decided I was having sex with him that night, and that I should lay off the drugs for a while.
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
I mean it could have been worse, I could have been sober.
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
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