You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
rhymes with "ouble enetration"
sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
he just booty called me in advance instead of waiting til 3 am when hes trashed. i think thats really considerate and gentlemanlike.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
come over. we are watching hoarders and playing i spy.
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Where the hell did all of these gingers come from? It's like they crawled out of their shame-caves for st Patrick's day.
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
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