Contrary to popular belief, while 19 is an attractive age, it does not equate to sexual prowess.
He probably smells like baby powder and sexual identity crisis.
I'm lying on the floor in the back room praying my boss doesn't come to work today.never again
She just gave me a free latte.
Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
my friend was passed out in the bathroom so I threw up in the coffee maker, not the pot the water reservoir that kind of drunk.
I mean in all honesty I would let James Franco shit on my chest. End of story
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
And for today's main disappontment. I thought I saw a midget with fireworks get on the buss, alas it's a child with cleaning supplies
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
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