You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
just witnessed some guy trade his friend $5 and a condom for his keys.
Do you remember trying to eat gravel when we were walking back to the dorm?
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
Maybe it's cuz you slapped him with a pancake last night
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
im breathing rainbows and everyone is talking in bubbles whatever you gave me give me more
You peed up the stairs in front of everyone then blamed it on the dog
Do I really need this much space in my mouth?
Are you already high?
Alive.
So much puke
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
She started crying because the Rugrats grew up
So how often do you needs to see my tits today then?
Randomize
