Call me "white mamba"
Your dick is not a dangerous deadly poisonous snake
It is white.
You should have seen k-money last night. She was just hanging on to the toilet for half the night. By her fourth trip to puke, she started talking to it and was doing the voices for her and it. She kept saying "...we thank you for your continued business..." haha
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
Just witnessed a fat girl fall off the treadmill, pop a medicine ball, and drink coke out of a water bottle all in one workout.
hold on, were in the kitchen painting a yellow brick road to my vagina on my leg with black light paint.
Right, because I totally see myself driving all the way down there to fuck his world famous penis.
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
I've had your balls on my face a bunch of times so the least you could do is buy a girl some dinner.
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
so then the cop took one last hit off our blunt and then drove off in his car and we just all stood there thinking, yea... that just happened...
What? I'll do just about anything if you give me a sticker.
Ive completely stopped wearing makeup. Not even eyebrows. Thats how sick of wisconsin I am.
Randomize
