I like the name aiden. he likes stella. I told him they're coming out of my vagina, and I will name them what I damn well please. Stella goes.
I think whatever his name is just puked on the stairs. Just an fyi for the morning. Love you.
These shoes are way too nice for a walk of shame. Its how I keep myself in line.
Sitting in the library studying = googling how to get laid in the library.
Sorry my hands just texted you
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
She's chasing her own tail and is afraid of her own feet. My stoner cat, ladies and gentlemen.
I asked to see his balls for medical purposes.
A huge penis doesn't warm the soul. Or that's what I've had to tell myself.
He sent me a picture of his dick as a snake, I'd say things are going great.
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
Wow this just keeps getting better, weed, shrooms, a stripper..........a gun.
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
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