He kissed my cheek and I could smell it the whole way home like shit
when i was alone, his dick was there for me...
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
spring break - time to see if my two week detoxing gave my liver a chance to recover.
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
I did not know male screamers existed until now. Good for him. Good for my ego.
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
As much as I want you to bang someone other than me, he is an asshole.
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
Randomize
