it was like fucking the hulk in a smartcar
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
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i wanna pet his head its so fluffy. were gonna open a petting zoo
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
The thing i'm gunna miss the most about college is peeing while brushing my teeth in the shower without being judged. You just can't do that anywhere else
By the way. I expect to test the theory of you running a mile drunk for memorial day.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just fell out of my doorway to go to class so if that doesn't describe how my night went idk what will
Our breakfast options are microwave popcorn, wavy lays and fireball
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
my mom is drunk and is trying to get me to take a picture of her ass. what is life?
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