Dude go to the top of pikes peak right now to catch Kevin Bacon's band performing
The bacon? Yeah right. What if there's Tremors?
Him and Burt have already taken care of that. It's a once in a lifetime chance to catch the Bacon brothers live in concert. I sort of have a boner
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
just dropped my bong into 7 pieces, and carried the glass shards around my house. dad saw the blood dripping down my arms, and asked if i slit my wrists. way too high to laugh at this.
God, i just love slightly insecure guys with hearts of gold and giant penises.
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He just asked if I would make his black snake moan. Dating basketball players is not worth the glory
Being the adderall dealer on campus, I feel responsible for everyone graduating.
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
I woke up because a stranger was shoving an already lit bowl into my mouth. Spring break is awesome
Trying to convince myself that everyone keeps staring at me because I'm pretty and not because of my hickies.
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Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
I don't remember anything but bad decisions last night
just wanted to eat pizza off his dick so he let me and he can never forget it
AND I woke up to eggs in my bra. Thanks Taco Cabana...
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
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