i either just walked in on pete wacking off to webmd or he was checking his dick for herpes
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
Smoked a topless bowl this morning. For International Women's Day. Quite liberating.
She tackled him mid-puke while the other two were cutting up a $60 dildo with a kitchen knife and putting the pieces in a Corona bottle.
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
He left me alone in a hotel room my last night in town to go home to jerk off and watch TV. So yeah, I guess we're not really friends.
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
Ignore him I am the one that wears the pants in the relationship while "the big man" cries in bed
it's okay that you two hooked up in the family bathroom at the mall.. i just pray to god you were not making a family in the family bathroom..
In celebration of finishing my homework, lets drink tea w/ vodka
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
Randomize
