What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
This random guy asked me if I had downs. I was like up yours! And I got out of his car.
Hurry. And bring back up. SHE WON'T STOP TALKING.
Little spoons don't ask big questions
At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
She asked me to go inside, make myself a drink and slip into something a little more naked.
PUT YOUR FRESHLY SHAVED MEXICAN POON ON THAT BEARD. NOW.
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
I need to thank someone for this kid's penis.
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
Randomize
