I hope you get used to having plenty of sperm because you're never gonna get any.
when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
saw you walking with that piece of shit
and that piece of shit just read that
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
all i remember was you yelling "look at my little feet" at everyone on the way home from the bar.
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
When he sent me a picture, I swear my vag frowned. That tiny.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
I did way too many drugs this past week for having a broken nose #commitment
My life is just a trash fire of work and Japanese video games now
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