just found out my sister was breast fed and i was not...pretty upset about that.
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
just convinced someone I was a virgin. I love when people don't know me.
i think i pulled off the nice guy thing too well. it just backfired later on when she thought i was actually nice.
he called you a drunk bob the builder and you proceeded to explain how you were going to build ramps throughout the house
a guy tried paying for lapdances with cds, who uses those anymore?
Finally considering to keep my landing strip before I have sex.. I feel like It makes me look mature.
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
my grandpa is going down the line on this prom picture, and telling me how big everyone's nipples are... he was spot on for me.
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
So I totally just used margarita salt for a body scrub.
All I want is to get as high as I did that time I started hallucinating that my brother was becoming a monkey and I saw my mum on every surface of your room.
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Randomize
