We made it safely. Thanks for the call though.
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
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she fell through a window trying to flash someone
and by clear my head i mean get drunk and cry myself into oblivion.
There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
I think I just figured out how to make weed tea in the coffeemaker.
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
OH GOD IT TASTES LIKE IT SMELLS
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