clay aiken is like melissa ehteridge without the guitar.
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
Also I'm 95 percent positive we ate food naked together
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
So much to do, haven't done anything except hook up with sailors and work on my tan.
Quick!! What's a good reason for me to have rug burn on my chin?
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
I was drunk while I accepted my job offer. Here's to growing up.
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
he just fucked me for my cheese..
Last time I was blackout at Cowbells I was running around screaming “WHERES THE BLOOOWWWW”
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