My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
I have no idea. After the fireworks it all went to shit. Do you know why I woke up with a road sign?
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
Sure. But we have to be quiet.
Ninja mode activated
You got kicked out after 30 minutes, 3 beers and 2 shots. Group record. Also you kept rubbing his belly and calling him buddha.
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
The entire state will know me by my boobs.
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
I woke up next to him with nothing on and my thong around his neck. I just put my clothes on and left, but he still has my thong.
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
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