you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
i have essays due online every friday...im just going to write 'im hungover' for every one
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
Dubbing lion king over planet earth. That stoned.
Dude I need help. What word is complimentary, but sounds like "chunky"?
You know its a good sign when a girl asks who everyone is AFTER she flashes her tits to the room.
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
She fell down no less than 4 times while we were at the club. One of which was while she was in the bathroom stall next to me.
okay - we take $20 and buy each other some 'drink till we puke' clothes from the thrift store.
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
"Don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor..." he chanted helplessly
I WAS SURROUNDED BY HAIRY BALLS ALL ALONE.
Randomize
