She made fun of how I walked so I announced to her boyfriend that I have cum on her face before.
During sex he wiggled his hips and said "I'm turning the ice cream" Deal breaker?
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
Ohhhh sweet! I may be down for that. I'll be a german beer girl probably passed out on a park bench somewhere.
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
Haha its fine we ask know it. He's still cool thought
Focus on the keyboard man. Focusssss
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
I feel like parents watching our children. You want to step in and help them but you just have to let them make their mistakes
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
Blacked-in to me, shirtless, giving myself finger guns in the mirror and rapping "stacks in the club stacks stacks in the club."
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
Randomize
