I mean come on, he's the best quarterback in the state and doesn't even know how to put on condom
college "breaks" should be renamed "reminder why you left your hell hole of a life in the first place"
I hope no one judges me for becoming a facebook fan of "Adderall" at 5:49 AM...
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
You insisted I take photos of you vomiting off the top of the tree.
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
Nothing like moscato in your sinuses tobmake your night complete
the cashier ate half of our fries before she gave them to us so i think it's safe to say they don't do drug testing there
also my alarm just went off. I am always amused at what time drunk me decides to wake up.
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
he just ran into my room in his giant penis costume yelling "supercock to the rescue"... I am still in total shock
i think im in europe. pls send help
Atleast we had sex on the couch before your ex took it from you
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
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