My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
I might have a beer. Just to keep this hangover on its toes.
I just need you there to slap my dick when im flirting with her
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
You are beautiful! I got thrown out of a bar tonight for throwing my shoe. It was at my sister, I don't know why they were mad. I know her.
Well if he truly loves me he will just have to accept my flaws. And that includes a tequila dependency and borderline lesbianism.
You guys don't happened to be dressed as gladiators, do you?
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
This is like 50 shades on steroids but with healthy relationship models and mutual respect among all parties involved and lesbian activity.
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
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