addddeeerrraaaallll.
ok i'm not sure if that was a success statement or a cry for help.
My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
the lady in the checkout infront of me had a case of beer, two 40 oz, and activia...really??i dont' think irregularity is her problem
You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.
I've already made the "blackout on move in day" decision
She bought my penis dinner and beer last night. Her words
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
this hangover isn't hhappening. im not letting it
its winning. its definitely happening
I need a genital shamwow being this wet.
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
raging hangover at work with a lunchable dreaming of the sex ill never have. my life is perfect.
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Randomize
