Maybe I lied like you did about your herpes.
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
Yeah that's one way to look at it on the other hand MY FUCKING BED CAUGHT ON FUCKING FIRE
Just hook me up with your dad already stop being selfish
Happy heartbreak day....you got chocolates, I'm eating them/ throwing them out the window at passing couples
She screams like she's just fallen out of a helicopter when she cums.
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
There was a pumpkin carving contest and we carved a very realistic dick about to penetrate a vagina. Our Christian Youth hosts were not happy.
Did she owns a vibrator that will set off seismic activity.
The fact that I am laying in bed on my stomach with an ice pack on my rump is a clear indication that I am no longer in my carefree 20s
You're best friend just tackled me....naked....brought me to his room where he had freshly baked cinnamon rolls. I didn't know he could cook
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
What a weekend. It started with me realizing i might not be straight and ended with me spraining my foot.
Randomize
