If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
Only you can can turn Jenga into a drinking and then a sex game.
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
He just tried to eat my hair and he keeps talking about pissing on everything, come home soon I beg of you
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
Captain Morgan does not know self control. Nor does he teach it.
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
I also woke up in a bed soaked of pee and drunkenly lectured him on the dangers of chewing tobacco... weird night
Fucked him in a graveyard. Need plan b.
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
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