Fucking love it maybe bedazzle some baby seals? Make them cuter? Who would club a bedazzled baby seal? Only a fucking monster.
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
Omg i either met the gayest dude ever or my next boyfriend
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
Still can't decide which I'm more disappointed about: the blow job I gave him or the donuts I ate after.
Idk. Im in a bed. the walls are wood. There's a deer mount.. im afraid to turn over and see who's next to me but he's violently cuddly.
it was a frathouse cornucopia of foul mixed drinks and "sangria", which im convinced was blood and pcp
I'm not sure if it was the 11 shots or your naturally vibrant personality but I recall you being quite noisy that evening
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
He kept walking up to every girl at the party saying "Hi, I'm George Clooney. No I won't marry you." He left with three girls.
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
the fact that you beer bonged rum made me so proud, the fact that you threw up an entire footlong tuna melt after... not so much babe
Yeah. We're taking this fuck buddy relationship to the next level. Sober weekday sex.
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