I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
Just had to throw up on the floor of my car during traffic on the way to work. Car next to me saw both times. Found the downside to having a job right after graduation.
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
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I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
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It was the cape. I can't control myself when I wear a cape.
but real talk, he made 1 phone call last night and had someone bring us tacos at 3am so idk I might be inlove
I moved to this city Tuesday and got laid Saturday. Still got it.
Well. Another one of my exes came out of the closet.
I hope you know, that by sending me a cat meme back, you've entered in a cat picture battle; which never has an end in sight.
The duel has begun.
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
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