do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
he swears he got herpes from a bowl of soup
We need to buy some popsicles so we can remind ourselves we're good at this.
dude he was laying on two half-naked chicks, as they rubbed him down with lotion, while rolling a joint. hes like a modern-day african king
Guys with values who care about your personality don't cum on your back the 2nd time they you sleep with you.
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
HE PEED ON ME. THE MANAGER OF THE BAR.
I'd still fuck that
You'd fuck a dead moose
Quite possible
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